I had a dysfunctional relationship with Lord (The gospel according to nic st. james)

The universe asked me to stop calling it Lord today

It keeps slipping out during our conversations, the Lord thing

I read a book as a tween, most women my age will know, called, Are You There God, Its Me Margaret, by Judy Bloom. That book changed my life. Soon after I began writing in a journal. I started each entry with Dear God. The paper became my savior. As I matured into anti -everything, I stopped with the Dear God part, but late at night I would still lie in bed and say, “Lord…., “ and talk to him in my mind until I drifted to sleep.

One day it dawned on me that “Lord” was letting little children starve to death, so I stopped speaking to him. I gave him the cold shoulder. Another day, I realized that young boys died in vicious wars in the most gruesome ways and I renewed my rage and continued the silence for years longer.

I did forgive Lord eventually, but mostly out of desperation. I made a decision that I would believe once again and that life here on earth was a mystery and that there must be some logical reason that Lord let children starve and get kidnapped and tortured by evil men. Mostly, I put it out of mind, kind of the same way I blocked out the thought that I was actually chewing on flesh when I bit into a steak or pork chop. But again, soon after, I began reading historical fiction and it dawned on me that Lord had been a cruel bastard for a long time and that he was either not real or hideously ugly and demented on the inside. I started to wonder if he took perverse pleasure in torture and torment.

Then my first born began to fall. Fall to drugs and the streets. And when I say the streets, I mean the dark, seedy streets of serious drug addiction. She turned against everything I had taught her. In my hopelessness, I again thought that maybe I could forgive Lord and show him that I thought he was everything he was cracked up to be and that in return he might pull my daughter out of the depths of the hell she was living in. That if I looked the part he might keep her alive from drug overdose, murder and torture. I did what I was supposed to do and attended a church. I even worked there. I played the part pretty well for a little while. When I bowed my head, I really tried, I promise I did. I listened intently and I heard hypocrisy and I heard that everything I believed in my core was wrong, evil even. Once again, Lord betrayed me, he wasn’t at all the Lord I spoke to late at night from my pillow and as my as my daughter fell deeper and deeper into darkness I figured that it was probably my fault because I just couldn’t quite swing it with Lord.

Damn him, betrayer, I decided now that I actually hated Lord.

Lately though,

And on and off spotted throughout my dysfunctional relationship with Lord,

The universe has been listening to me. I have found the energy and vitality ready to serve me,

Willingly

I read late at night about science and connectivity and strings of reality.

I breathe on a pillow in a small room and feel the glow of it

I chew the flesh of nothing.

And the universe and I .....we talk a lot these days and that brings me back to where we started.

I called the universe Lord again, I slipped.

And this time the universe answered back, “thank you for placing your order.”

The voice was not male or female. It was an acknowledgement of my cells that he/she had spoken in a way they felt.

A vibration of knowledge.

“You did it again, you called me Lord.

I am not Lord.

Please do not call me power

I am everything

But I am nothing

I am all you cannot perceive

And only what you can.

I am exactly what you imagine

Even though what you imagine is LIMITED

To that case that encloses your energy

I am what you have created me to be.

And I create you in turn.

It is our relationship.

I am the universal energy.

The everything that you see.

This is just what you created for me.

I am what you made me to be.

I am the direct result of what you perceive you see.

I fit everywhere.

I am what you want me to be.

Except….

I am not Lord

You are

We are

They are too

Even them, yes them

Uh huh, even him

No, I don’t care!.... EVEN HIM!

So......

You created him, we all did.

I am not Lord….

rest your vision

Close your boxes

I am not Lord

You are"